Coping With Unpleasant Meetings

Recently I heard a politician on the news, provide his solution to maintain teachers in the workforce and encourage new ones to apply: "Work during the school break holidays, work 8:30-5:00pm and work at school, not at home. Give them a 10% pay rise." As my husband pointed out, he's just one politician. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking about how businesses are struggling to get their employees back to work more than 2 or 3 days a week since many are choosing to work from home and can the government and independent schools afford to give a 10% pay rise to their teachers? (If so, why haven't they already?)

When I heard that politician spouting off what he thinks it would take to keep teachers in the workforce, my emotions were stirred and I wondered how you, my colleagues, are coping. It's nearing the end of third term in Australia and it's a notorious time for feeling tired and worn-out so I want to encourage you to hang in there.

I have also been thinking more about parent-teacher relationships and how some of them can take the shine off your enthusiasm. How do you cope with the disgruntled parents and the hurt and/or anger, that may have been caused by their unkind words? What if you have gone to meet with a parent on your own, and you felt ambushed as they tossed out accusations that questioned your professionalism? 

Years ago, I was sitting outside on a sunny day, feeling good about how my class was going and talking to a mum who I had a lot of time for. I was in a leadership role and taught her eldest child but her middle child had been having some behavioural issues, especially with one of his peers. The mother demanded to know what the school was doing about it and what steps had been taken to discipline the other child. She believed her child was innocent and was unable to accept her child not only reciprocated but also initiated it. I tried to ensure my conversation was on her child and assured her that the other child was being dealt with, but I was not at liberty to discuss the other child with her.

As we talked, her child came racing over closely followed by the other child. When the other child reached the boy standing behind his mum, he struck him. The mother turned to me and said, "Why didn't you stop that from happening?"

Quite frankly, we have good and bad days and although the good days outweigh the bad days, it's the bad days that chip away at our resilience and our self-confidence. I have been in meetings with parents who choose to confront and blame. I remember when I was doing a short-term contract, a father came up to me in the classroom after the students had left. He was close enough that I could smell his bad breath and he spoke loudly while I stood there trying to placate him. My aid stayed in the room but he was oblivious to her presence and kept up the tirade. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a student come to the doorway of the classroom, then he walked away quickly to find his mum. Meanwhile, the man finished giving me his demands and stormed away.

My aid had to go as she was late for an appointment and I packed up my things and went home. I received a phone call later in the evening from the principal, who had heard about the incident and he reassured me that he felt I was doing a good job, the parent would be dealt with and he encouraged me to do what I needed to relax, then looked forward to me coming back the next day. The next day, the boy who had come to the doorway, brought me a bunch of flowers. His mum told me that he had been worried about how I was being spoken to and was worried that I wouldn't come in to school again.

I could tell you of other intense, confrontational incidences that are 'above my pay grade' and fortunately they are not common occurrences but rather than recall those memories, some of which are painful, I choose not to dwell on them. Having been through those times and knowing it is likely you have or you will also have moments like these, this is what I would encourage you to do:

1. First, if you are to meet with a parent(s) always have another staff member present with you, or at least nearby. If the meeting is getting heated and you feel threatened, excuse yourself immediately and walk away. No matter what.

2. Keep records of any meetings with parents and if a meeting causes you discomfort and/or accusations were made, talk with leadership and let them know what happened and how it made you feel. Good leadership will encourage you, reassure you and remind you that you are valuable and that they've got your back.

3. When you go home that night, do what you can to unwind and get it out of your system. Journal it. Call a trusted friend. Soak in a bubble bath. Listen to music. Watch a feel-good movie, the footy or listen to music. Read a good book. Don't do any school work. 

Don't let those moments steal your enjoyment of teaching. 

The Teacher-Parent Relationship

The teacher-parent relationship is changeable, fluid and unique and can be either volatile,  stable or even non-existent. The variables that influence the strength of a positive teacher-parent relationship include the school environment, policies, personalities, prior issues and communication and can sometimes stem directly from the heart of a teacher. When I was at uni and we were discussing this topic, a student-teacher asked, "What do we do if the parent doesn't agree with us and refuses to let us do it the right way?" 

That wasn't her exact words but it was certainly the gist of what she believed. Inside I cringed but all of the fresh-faced, young student teachers in that classroom leaned forward expectantly, waiting to hear the words of wisdom about to be imparted by the lecturer. He casually looked around the room, pausing for effect and then sighed and responded that unfortunately that would happen and there was nothing we could do about that. The red-headed student persisted and reframed the question, while the other students nodded in their support for her.

Inside my head, I wondered at the students' audacity. "Who are we to think we have more authority than the parents?" The scenario being discussed wasn't a case of life and death, nor even of best educational practise. From what I remember, it was simply a case of values and even though I wasn't a mother at that time, I doubted that I would have agreed with all the student-teachers in that room on some of their issues and values.

Over the years, there are some things I have learned and experienced about the parent-teacher relationship and one of the most important things I have realised is that you can often tell if a parent is supportive of you, by the child's behaviour and attitude towards you. When teachers and parents communicate with each other and are respectful, kind and friendly, it is more likely the child will feel settled in the classroom and be more confident in their learning. Adversely, a child who is arrogant and disrespectful towards a teacher, is likely reflecting the attitude of his/her parents.

In my first years of teaching, parent-teacher meetings sometimes took the form of a parenting advice session. "How do I get my child to clean up her room?" "How do I get him to do his homework?" "What should I do when my child answers me back?" As I wasn't a parent in my first years of teaching, I sometimes felt that it was best for me to just listen, perhaps answer with, "My parents used to ......." or work through the pros and cons with them when they made a suggestion. 

These days, parent-teacher meetings are more about whether a child is meeting the standards of their year level, what steps need to be taken by the teacher to support the student's learning and what the parents can do to help the child complete his/her homework. A positive meeting allows both the parents and teachers to look for ways to encourage the child to achieve their best academic level, develop a positive social-emotional wellbeing and encourage the child to continue growing in their learning.

As teachers, we need to remember that parents need our support and encouragement and they need us to provide their child with a healthy learning environment. When our students become an adult, they might remember one or two of their primary school teachers' names, or remember an incident or two that happened at school. They might remember learning about recycling, First Nations people, multiplication tables and how to write an information report. They might not remember who it was that taught them how to add one quarter and two sixths or which teacher taught them to play the National anthem on the recorder but they will know if school was a safe learning place for them or not. 

As much as I hate to admit it, I will be forgotten by some of my students and their parents. Some of those students whose lives I thought I had touched, who I remember the time they had that 'I get it!' look in their eye, who I had spent hours trying to figure out a way to help them understand a math concept and who I had spent time reassuring them that they can read... will forget me! But I will know that I provided a safe learning place for them.

The parents, might remember the names of the teachers who went the extra mile for their child, who looked for ways to encourage the students and who partnered with them (the parents) to find the best way forward for their child's learning. They might remember the mistakes that even the best teachers made. But overall, they will remember the way a teacher made them feel and whether or not they were welcomed into their child's classroom. 

It is imperative that teachers respect the parents of their students and show kindness towards them, remembering that long after the teacher has put her books and pens away and walked away from the classroom, the parents and their children will still be parents and their children.